Not Ready to Say Goodbye
by Lizwontcry
Summary: A look at the progression of Grissom and Sara's relationship. It hasn't been easy, and will it be worth it in the end? GSR all the way, baby.
1. Chapter 1

Okay, so I haven't written any fanfic for a while but I've been a geeky GSR girly for a long time and wish to share it with the world. When I saw that last scene in Way To Go...wow, good times for us. Anyway, R/R if you'd like and plan on many more chapters to come.

The day Grissom came home from his sabbatical, I was not thinking about him. In fact, it might have been the first time in hours, days, possibly even weeks that he wasn't at leastpart of my constant thought process. But I was just at the landfill and I smelled pretty damn bad.  
It was much like the first time Hank asked me out...I was oozing pungent smells out of every pore. The last person I thought I'd see when I got back from the landfill was Grissom.

I saw him when I came around the corner. He was just standing there, as if he was waiting for me. Just the way he was looking at me when I rounded that corner made my knees turn to jelly. If someone pushed me, I would have fallen to the ground like a leaf. Thankfully, I managed to keep my composure.

It had been a long time since I last saw him. Before he left, he said he'd miss me. I watched him walk away and longed for him to turn around and say something else. I longed to run out of that locker room and grab him. But, while we did have a relationship, it wasn't like that. It was based on moments, moments much like the one we were about to experience in the hall. The relationship itself was purely based on passion, but neither one of us allowed ourselves any grand displays of emotion, at least not very often. And since we were at work, we both knew that we had to keep up appearances. This had obviously become a lot harder since we began our relationship. Sometimes I had no idea how to act around him. I just hoped the others didn't notice.

We didn't talk while he was gone on sabbatical. I wasn't sure if I expected him to at least call or send me an email, and I tried not to get my hopes up. But before my eyes closed and I drifted off to sleep each day, I would wonder why he didn't call or write. I wondered if he was thinking about me as much as I thought about him. When he was hard at work teaching his class, did he look in the audience and see someone that looked like me, and then start to wonder? Did he look at his cell phone and wonder what my voice would sound like if he called me right then and there?

Things got a little strange before he left. It started as soon as he announced he was going out of town for a little while. He didn't talk about it at all before he made this announcement, so I was a little surprised. One night, over dinner, I asked him about it.

"So, what made you decide to take this sabbatical?" I asked over a candelit dinner. We were at my house. I made my specialty veggie enchiladas, and he was very carefully picking them over.

He glanced at me and took a sip of red wine before he answered.

"I just need to think about things. I care...about you, and about the work, and the cases...but I just need some time to think. Please understand, Sara. That's all I want."

We managed to switch topics, but of course I couldn't get my mind off him leaving. Why did he have to leave what we had together? It was going well. It was a little rocky sometimes, but what we had was nice. It felt right.

But he did leave, and I had a whole month to ponder what was going on.

As much as I tried, I could not get Gil Grissom out of my head. In the beginning, when I first came to Las Vegas to help an old friend and mentor, I continued the child-like crush I had on him since the day I met him. It got out of hand. I realized that a long time ago, and I tried to move on with my life. There was the alcohol problem, but I got the help I needed and I kicked it. For a long time, all I did was go to work and process the case. I didn't think about Gil or anyone else. All I wanted to do was improve myself. And it worked. People started noticing that I was leaving personal stuff behind and not getting so involved in the cases that I made them a part of me. Of course, I still did that, I just hid it better. It was with the help of a therapist that I was getting my act together. However, I never talked about my relationship, or lack of relationship with my therapist. Only one time did she ask about him, and I just shook my head. Sensing she had touched a nerve, she let it go. I knew someday she'd ask again, but was grateful she hadn't yet. 

Before he left, Grissom said he'd see me soon. I replied, "Yes, you will." Because even though I hadn't heard from him in nearly a month, I knew later, sometime in the next 24 hours, he would call me. After a long shower to cleanse myself of the smells my body was sending out into the universe, I would go to his townhouse, we would share a glass of wine. I'd tell him that I wasn't so happy about not hearing from him while he was gone. And he might or might not tell me why I didn't hear from him. This is how our relationship worked.

Most of the time I'd talk and he'd listen. It worked better that way. But now, after all we'd been through together, there weren't any secrets left between us. It took him a while to trust me completely, let me into the way his gorgeous mind worked. But when he did let me in, I knew I would be there forever.


	2. Chapter 2

It happened nearly a year and a half ago. I had been sober for a while, kicking ass on the job, not taking anything too personal. I was behaving, basically. I was acting like the good little Sara everyone wanted to know and love. The rare times I ventured out of the lab and into the real world, men were even approaching me, wanting to get to know me better. I flirted with the idea of having a torrid affair, but that wasn't me. The only thing I wanted was to do well at my job and advance up the ladder.

You could say I was on stand-by. Autopilot is actually the right word. I had a routine and hardly ever did I deviate from it. The routine made it easier to root out all the unpleasant thoughts of my childhood, of Grissom, of the brief flirtation with alcohol, all the things that had happened in my life. The routine just let me float on the surface and not have to really think about what I was trying not to think about.

When work was done and the crime was solved, I would occasionally go out with Warrick or Nicky or Greg. We'd have a beer or two, hang out and laugh and talk about the cases. I enjoyed those get togethers, but I always walked away feeling empty, like something was missing. I just refused to let myself believe it was Gil Grissom.

There was just always...something...pulling me towards him. I liked to believe this certain something pulled him in my direction, and maybe it did. The difference between us is when it comes to love, I don't let logic get in the way. That's a character flaw. With Grissom, all he can think about is logic. Which is also a character flaw. The pull of his logic and my lack of logic just never let us come together the way we might have been meant to be.

But one day, that all seemed to change.

One day, it just all started to get to Gil. After the stress of what happened to Nicky in that grave, after all the crimes he has to see on a weekly basis, after all the years he lied awake trying to deny his attraction to me...it got to him. The straw that broke the camel's back was when I confided in him about my parents. When he reached over and and grabbed my hand, we both sensed there was still something between us. The fact that he was the one who was there for me when Ecklie suspended me, that meant something to me. It seemed to awaken our feelings once again, and I admit, it was exciting.

But like most uncomfortable things, Grissom tried to ignore his feelings. He tried to shove it back in the deep recesses of his mind where he wouldn't have to deal with it again. But that big ball of stress just kept bouncing back into his mind. So after 2 straight days and nights without sleep, he decided to do something about it.

It was a few weeks after I came back from suspension. I was in the lab as usual. Nicky and I were going over some details of a particularly gruesome drug overdose when Grissom came strolling by. He stopped in the doorway and looked right at me, ignoring Nicky's presence altogether.

"Sara, when you have a minute, please come to my office."

I looked at Nick and he just chuckled. We both knew I was in trouble, though we didn't know for what.

After I finished up some of the details of the overdose, I handed the rest off to Nick and walked down the hallway to Grissom's office. How many times I had been in this intentionally bug-infested, somewhat spooky office. How many times I had looked in Grissom's eyes as he explained the details of yet another case. How many times I had stood there, listening to him talk, wishing we had something more between us than this cold, somewhat scary office.

"Hi," he said as I walked in. "Please close the door."

Uh-oh. He never asked me to do that before. Grissom's door was almost always open. I was really starting to worry now.

"Is something wrong?" I asked nervously.

"No, no. Actually, everything is right, Sara. I just wanted to know how you were feeling lately."

He wanted me to close the door so he could ask me that? Still, he looked quite concerned about my well-being, and I was touched in spite of myself.

"Things are good. I really feel like I'm getting back in the groove. The thing with Ecklie was a momentary setback, but I really think I'm OK.

"Good, that's good."

Grissom looked down at his desk and was silent for a minute. I wanted to fill the silence with something, anything, but I just couldn't. Just looking at him sitting in his comfort zone, trying so hard to connect with me...once again, the feelings I thought were long ago buried were fighting their way to the surface.

"Sara...would you have dinner with me tonight?"

Now it was my turn to be silent. What? Why? Did he want to talk about a case?

"Well, okay, but--"

"No buts. I know it's strange, but just say yes or no, okay? After dinner, you'll understand why."

"Okay then, yes. I would love it."

For the first time in a long time, Grissom smiled. It lit up my world to see him smile at me like that. In earlier days, it would have melted me completely. Now, though, I was determined to keep my tough exterior, at least in front of him.

"Okay, what time?"

"7:30. Meet me at Aureole."

My heart sank just a little, but I quickly recovered. Of course he wasn't picking me up, this wasn't a date. He was probably going to talk to me about a promotion or something about a case.

"Okay. I will see you then."

"Great. And Sara? I'm looking forward to it."

I went back to the lab where Nick was waiting for me. He asked what Grissom wanted and I said, "Oh, he just wanted to tell us we're doing a good job on the case."

I knew he wanted more details, but he fortunately let it go. But I knew the wheels were turning in his mind and eventually he'd ask more questions.

I thought it might be difficult to pay attention to the case instead of what would be happening later that night. But as I had carefully trained myself to do, I stuck the thought of Grissom in the back of my mind where he belonged, and trudged on in the case. By the time the shift was over, Nick and I had really managed to figure some things out. We hadn't solved the crime yet, but that was what the next day was for.

I went home and took a nap. When I managed to get myself out of bed, I looked through my closet, trying to find something suitable to wear for this "date." I settled on something casual yet professional, as I usually did for work anyway.

When I pulled up Aureole, it was a mob scene in front of Mandelay Bay as usual. Through the throngs of people, I saw Grissom standing in front, glancing at his watch. And he absoluteley took my breath away. I could barely steer my car as I stared at him standing outside, checking his watch, checking all the cars to see if mine was next in line. He was wearing a suit and a tie, something he never wore in the office. I was glad I settled on wearing a skirt and not jeans like I wanted to.

When he saw that my car was next in line, he looked at me and smiled. It was a genuine smile, and again, my knees were jelly. I somehow found the strength to find a parking spot. I tried to calm myself down before I opened the door to meet him.

Okay, I'm a strong person. I've been through a lot in my life and it should take more than just one man to make me so weak. He's just a man. He's my superior, and I have great respect for him, but he should not have so much power over me. I should not be acting like such a school girl at the thought of this man. I'm a professional, I'm good at my job, he's my boss. Whatever he has to say, I can take it. This will be just fine. I will not make a fool out of myself. But...seeing him all dressed up, looking at me like I was a star...that shaky feeling in my stomach was just getting worse.

Then I reminded myself that it was just a dinner. Maybe he was dressed so nicely because he had a date later. Maybe the sheriff was meeting us here and he wanted to look good. I need to keep an open mind, if only for the sake of my sanity.

When I walked up to Grissom, he smiled again and said, "Thank you for meeting me, Sara. I know this is strange, but you'll understand soon."

I nodded, desperate to know what he was talking about, but still trying so hard to keep my cool.

And before I knew it, he grabbed my hand and led me into the restaurant. I immediately looked around to see if anyone had noticed.

"Relax, Sara. Nobody we know is around. It's okay."

I smiled at him and he smiled back. He gripped my hand harder.

We were seated at a nice table by a window and were silent for a minute or two while we read the menu. We were quiet until the waiter came and took our orders. I wanted to jump on the table and scream, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" I mean, I'm a calm person but Grissom was shaking my nerves to their very core. Once again I pondered how this man could have such an effect on me.

Finally, after the waiter was gone, Grissom looked at me in a way that made my very soul catch fire. His look was so intense I actually had to look away.

"Sara, I know we've had our issues. I know we've had a past. I know I haven't been what you've wanted me to be."

I opened my mouth to protest but he shook his head.

"Please, let me get this out. I've been thinking about it for a while now. I know I am your superior. I know what could happen between us could also cause a lot of trouble in many different ways. But, Sara Sidle, I can't seem to ignore these feelings, these intense feelings I can't stop having for you. When I look at you, I want to protect you and take care of you and not always in a pure way. When I look at you, I see...home. Nobody has ever made me feel like this before and it's about time I did something about it. I'm practically an old man, Sara."

He paused, took a gulp of water. There were so many things I wanted to say, but the words wouldn't come out.

"I know it's been a long road, but we're here now. I'm ready to take the next step. I want you in my life, and not just at work."

He stopped again, looking at me, trying to read me. Usually he could read me like a book, but apparently he wasn't getting any signals from me right now.

"Okay, well, I'm done. You say something, please."

I thought for a second about what I wanted to say. There were so many things...where did I start?

"Gris...I was on the other side of the glass that time when you were talking to Dr. Lurie. Remember that case? I was standing there when you told him that you both had a second chance, but you couldn't do it. Gris, you said you couldn't do it. I was standing there. I heard you say it. And it broke my heart."

He looked down at the table and I wondered if I had gone too far. But I wanted to tell him for so long that I was there when it happened. The day I heard those words come out of his mouth, a part of me had died. And now he was offering the only thing I ever wanted from hm, a chance? It just couldn't be that easy.

"I know. I was having a pretty rough time with that case. That nurse looked so much like you, sometimes I couldn't even tell a difference. I had to ask myself some tough questions, and at the time, I just wasn't ready to answer them. But...now I am. I want to come home."

Finally, I allowed myself to smile. Finally, I allowed myself to believe that what he was saying was real.

"Okay," I said, looking in his crystal blue eyes.

"Okay?" He asked, looking at me in that fiery intense way of his.

"Okay." I said. "Let's do this."


	3. Chapter 3

So we agreed to start something, but neither of us were quite sure what it was going to turn into. The only thing we both knew is how badly we wanted to pursure something together,  
and not just at work.

And, as I'm sure you'd guess, it started out rocky. Neither of us had been in a relationship for a long, long time. When we got together, it seemed like all we could talk about was work. But then we began to discover we had more than that in common. We both like old movies, so I started coming over to his townhouse to watch an old movie or two while we drank wine and laughed about our day together. We both like to cook, although it was a little challenging with me being a vegetarian and he loving his meat-eating ways. We steered clear of talking about the future at all costs, at least at first. We knew we'd have to talk about it sooner or later, but right now we were both enjoying testing the waters.

And I did enjoy it. Dating Grissom was not like dating anyone else I've ever been with. He was caring and observant, and he was always trying so carefully to do the right thing.We tested each other, what we could say, what we could do. I knew when I had said something he wasn't so happy about--he'd purse his lips and then look away, looking for some kind of object in the room to focus on. And when he knew he said something wrong to me, he'd carefully rephrase his words so that I'd better understand what he was trying to say.

It was exciting, and I got completely caught up in it.

The physical part of our relationship was a little slower to develop. We were affectionate enough, but the first kiss didn't come until a month or two after that night at Aureole.It wasn't like there wasn't an attraction between us. There was, and it was obvious. Every time I saw him at work, the initial attraction that would come over me the first few minutes of being in the same room with him was something to behold. I was surprised nobody, at least not Catherine, noticed how weird I'd get when I was in the same room with him.

There was just something about him that I could pull myself away from. It was powerful, and I was not in a position to deny myself of it. My hope was that when this mythical first kiss happened, it wouldn't be awkward

So one night I was at his house, snuggling up to him under a blanket and watching an old movie. We were holding hands under the blanket and enjoying a closeness that almost felt overwhelming.

"I feel like a teenage tonight," Grissom said, taking his attention off the movie and looking at me. Our noses were inches apart.

"Yeah? Why is that?"

"I haven't felt this way since I was a teenager," he said, grinning a little. "And honestly, I didn't know I could feel this way again. It used to be...the only thing that could bring me joywere the insects, or the way I feel when a particular challenging case was solved. And today, with you here, watching this movie...I feel like a nervous little boy on date at the drive-in."

He stopped talking. He ran his hand through my hair, and rested it on my neck. He pulled closer to me, and before I knew it, he kissed me.

It sounds so cliche but the kiss made my head spin. Through all the years of flirations and rejections and attractions and denials, all I ever wanted to do was what we were doing right now. I don't want to say that time stopped or that I don't know where I began and he ended, but it was a damn good kiss. There were emotions in that kiss. There was 6 years of pent up feelings to be dealt with in that kiss.

When we finally did break away from each other, we looked at each other and grinned.

"Well, there's no turning back now," Grissom said.

"Good," I said, and kissed him again.

The kiss left me wanting more, but our relationship didn't get much more physical than that for another couple of months. Those were a challenging couple of months, admittedly. You put two workaholics in a relationship together and it's not easy. We saw each other when we could, stealing moments at work when there was no danger of being caught. It was a cross between maddening and exciting and I wasn't sure which one was winning. It was so easy to get lost in the relationship and let my cases fall apart, but again, when it got down to it, I put myself in the game and didn't let it get to me. Besides, there was always the underlying fear that we would get caught, or that I would screw something up in a case and he'd be forced to fire me. So, after the inital shock of our relationship, I threw myself into the work and hardly ever let myself get distracted.

One day, it seemed like "our thing" was getting to Grissom a little more than usual.

"Okay, people, here's what we have for today," Gil said when it was time assign cases. "Greg and Catherine, there's a car accident on the strip, 3 people dead, one of them happens to be a friend of the sheriff's wife, so...be careful with that one. Nicky and Warrick, I saved this one for you because I knew you'd want it - murder at a strip club, very suspicious circs, go now and try not to enjoy the scenery too much. Sara, there's a DB in a mansion in Henderson, and nobody seems to know who or why. You'll come with me on that one."

We all nodded and got to work. I allowed myself one happy moment thinking we were going to actually steal a little bit of time together today. Of course we would remain strictly professional as we always did. I wasn't going to take his hand and drag him into a room in the mansion and have my way with him. But it was going to be nice to have a few minutes alone.

Everyone scattered to their crime scenes. Grissom and I walked to his Denali, talking about the details of the case. Once we got the car on the road, he reached over and grabbed my hand with his one free hand.

"You look nice today," he said, casually looking me over.

"Well, thank you, dear."

"How are you feeling? Are you happy?"

I glanced at him, trying to figure out where he was going with this.

"I'm great. I'm very happy. How about you?"

"I haven't been this happy in a very long time. I just wanted you to know that, Sara. It's important to me."

We grinned at each other, and then were silent for a few minutes as we drove the short distance to Henderson.

"So what are you doing later?" He asked.

"I don't know...maybe a little overtime, maybe a little yoga...nothing planned, actually." I said that all too quickly, like it was obvious I was waiting for him to tell me what we were going to be doing.

"Why don't you come over to my place? We'll watch some movies, drink some wine, enjoy each other's company?"

I smiled in spite of myself.

"I would like that. A lot, actually."

We were nearing the crime scene so he let go of my hand and we talked about what was going on over at this manion. We were both getting very good at these little stolen moments.

Later, I found myself at his townhouse, a place I was growing quite attached to. I knew he hadn't spent so much time at home until we got together, and I think it was doing both of us some good. Before, neither of us really let ourselves unwind after a hard day at work. I was finding this time that we spent together refreshing and I wondered how I went so many years without it.

He opened the door when I knocked, smiling and carrying a bottle of wine.

While he made dinner, some kind of vegetarian casserole dish that smelled incredible, we talked about the little parts of our days that before seemed like just minutiae, little moments that before fell out of our minds as soon as they happened but now seemed so important.

After dinner, we snuggled on his black leather sofa and watched a movie. I couldn't tell you what it was because the movie was the last thought on my mind.

Instead, as soon as the mvoie started, he kissed me. Long and deep, almost like he was trying to consume my soul.

Before any of us could catch our breath, he steered us toward the bedroom where I suddenly became very nervous. This was going to happen. I was actually going to consummate my relationship with my friend, my companion, my BOSS.

"This is going to change things." I said in between kisses.

"You promise?" He said as we fell onto the king-sized bed.

And then there was no talking, just the sound of gentle moans emanating from both of us as we began our rythmic dance together.


	4. Chapter 4

**I'm not so happy about that last chapter, so maybe this one will help pick it up a little. And then again, maybe not! Anyway, thanks for all the reviews so far, keep 'um coming.**

**Obviously, this next chapter is based on Way to Go, because come on, that was such an episode of awesomeness. **

And so it continued for many more months than I cared to count. We relied on stolen moments and the rare time we both had the night off. We were falling in love, and yet neither of us wanted to quite admit that. Almost a year went by and neither of us said those actual words, although it was pretty obvious that we were both feeling it.

I hate to say it, but our relationship was getting into a routine. It was not that I didn't like that, particularly...I waited so long for this man to return my affections and now that we finally had what I wanted from the beginning, I wasn't going to let a little routine get in the way of my happiness. So what if things weren't always new and interesting? We had each other, and that's all I cared about.

The moment that seemed to change the nature of our relationship is when Brass was shot. God, that was so hard for Gil to go through. He hid it well and handled the case that was going on at the same time with his same level of genius and professionalism, but I knew he was having a rough time of it.

And it was so hard at work to not be able to go up to him, give him a kiss and say, "It'll be okay." He didn't need that from me at work. He had the others rallying behind him and BrassThe team really came together on this one.

The thing about our relationship was that when we did find time to be together, we were both noticeably relaxed and happy. A few weeks before Brass was shot, Grissom told me  
that Catherine randomly told him while they were driving to a crime scene in the desert, "What's going on, Gil?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're...smiling. It's disconcerting, this smiling thing."

Gil just shrugged and kept on grinning.

"Are you getting some, Gil Grissom?" She asked, smirking.

"Catherine, I thank you for being concerned about my well-being, but let's have a little mystery between us, huh?"

She shook her head, not accepting that answer but not wanting to probe her good friend further. She was probably just happy that Gil was finally doing something that made him happy and less of a workaholic.

So even though he was going through some stuff when Brass was shot, with having Brass' power of attorney and making sure Ellie didn't light anything on fire when she was in her dad's office, we still managed to have a nice time together. When we were investigating the scene of the duel with the strange corset guy, we got in a little camera duel of our own. It was nice and refreshing, and just a little moment like that, shared while we tried to piece a case together, made me so very content. And when we saw Brass, in his hospital bed surrounded by people and machines and tubes, wave at us and smile, that just made everything nearly perfect.

That night Grissom decided to come over to my small little townhouse. Neither of us were very hungry, so we didn't eat anything, just sat on my small little sofa and talked.

He decided to spend the night, something he rarely does but seeing the circumstances, was very much welcomed. We took turns getting ready for bed. I smiled while I watched him brush his teeth. It just seemed so natural for him to be in my bathroom, doing the normal mundane things people do before they go to bed.

The case apparently made Gil thoughtful. While I was brushing my teeth, he talked how he wanted to die. He said he'd want to eventually die from cancer, so that he'd have time to say good-bye to the people he loved.

"I'd like to go back to the rain forest one more time," he said. "Re-read Moby Dick. Possibly enter an international chess tournament."

Just the thought of him leaving me, leaving this world because of some kind of sickness made _me_ sick. So I walked in from the bathroom, kneeled in front of him and said, "I'm not ready to say goodbye."

He grinned at me, and took my hands in his. He pulled me into bed with him and turned of the bedside lamp.

"Me neither."

He gave me a long, slow kiss and all thoughts of sickness and unhappiness faded from my weary head.


	5. Chapter 5

Things progressed nicely for a while in our relationship and at work. Until Gil got caught up with that damn miniature killer. I've seen him obsess over cases before, but this miniature thing...it really got to him.

So much so that we were seeing less and less of each other. We still had our stolen moments here and there, but it seemed like things were...tapering off. Before this guy came along, Gil would confide in me. He talked to me about how he felt when Brass, his good friend of many years, was shot. One night, he talked about how he felt when Nick was buried alive.

"I don't know, it was a strange feeling for me. I've never had kids, but I always had paternal feelings for Nick, more so than for Warrick or Greg or anybody else I've supervised. He's such a good kid, Sara. And to see him in that grave, covered in dirt and ants and ready to just give up in desperation and fear...it moved me. Sara, I don't have to tell you this, but it's not easy for me to confront my feelings for other people. It's easier to be alone than to have attachments to somebody else, somebody who needs me more than I need them."

Of course, I did not take kindly to that remark. My brain knew he wasn't quite referring to me, but my heart was not happy to hear that he didn't need me.

Seeing the look on my face, Grissom chuckled.

"Come on, Sara, get that sad look of your beautiful face. You know I'm not talking about you."

"I know, but...anyway, keep going."

He looked at me quizzically for a second before continuing.

"Anyway...when he had enough and he was recording his message with the tape recorder, when I was watching him on the webcam I saw him say, "Grissom, I hope I didn't disappoint you." Sara...that broke my heart. Nick has never disappointed me and the fact he thought he was even capable of doing that...did not sit well with me."

He continued talking and I listened, but I also thought about how he would describe his feelings for me to someone else. And by all accounts, I knew he hadn't yet. We managed to keep this relationship to ourselves for almost a whole year without anyone figuring it out. Sure, there were strange looks sometimes, and sometimes one of the gang would ask a question about something that seemed fishy, but we both became masters at lying. I almost felt bad, but I also figured part of the appeal of our relationship was that it was a complete secret. I knew we couldn't keep going like this forever, and Grissom knew it, too. It was just not something we really ever addressed in a formal kind of way.

When he finished talking about Nick, I playfully asked, "So, did you ever feel...paternal...about me?"

"Maybe. And that was part of the problem. I'm a good boss, Sara, I know that. I pride myself on it. So having non-bossy feelings for an employee of mine...that was hard to deal with. And I dealt with it badly, and you know I will always be sorry about that."

When it comes down to it, I may be intelligent and capable and awesome at my incredibly demanding job, but I was still a woman, and as such, I wanted to talk more about his feelings. I knew I was pushing him a little - he liked talking, and he liked talking about me, but he wasn't big on analyzing our relationship to death - but I couldn't help myself.

"So when did you change your mind?"

He frowned a little and I instantly regretted asking. Not only was I being a total girl, but I knew the answer. There was just some part of me that needed to hear it from him.

"When you blew up at Catherine and Ecklie. That really troubled me because you had been doing so well up until then. I came to your house because I had to know what was bothering you. It was like...there was no turning back. You were not happy, and I _needed_ to know why. And then when you told me about your mother and then I saw the tears come out of your beautiful eyes...I just knew. I knew my feelings for you were not just a power trip. They weren't just...sexual, although they were definitely that at times. These feelings were real and I couldn't ignore them anymore."

I smiled happily. I knew that was when he started to face his feelings instead of run from them.

"So, you-"

Grissom put a finger on my lips and I was instantly quiet.

"Come on, dear. That's all you're getting out of me tonight. So get in this bed with me and I'll _show_ you how I really feel."

I giggled, and we tumbled into bed together. It was just a typical night for us.

0000000

But that was before the miniature killer. Gil kept getting little replicas of the crimes, and the more involved he became in the case, the more detached he became with me. Instead of worrying about it, I threw myself extra hard into the job, spending a lot more time at work than usual.

I also took it pretty hard when Greg was beaten down while going to another crime scene. Greg was like a brother to me, although sometimes he did seem to want a little more than that, and to see him all beaten up really tugged at me. It was enough to keep my mind of Grissom for a while, anyway.

On a particularly rough day, Gil and I were alone in his office. It was almost noon and I was about ready to call it quits, go home, make a grilled cheese sandwich and go to bed.

I told Grissom about this plan, and he looked up from one of the miniatures, and distractedly said, "I wish I could come with you. A grilled cheese certainly sounds good right now."

"So, why don't you come? Shift is over."

He shook his head and I felt a wave of frustration overcome me. Thankfully, I have learned not to voice every single frustration I have the second I have them, and I bit my lip until the urge passed.

"I can't. Sara, I'm sorry, I know you're getting frustrated, and so am I. You know how badly I want to take off and spend time with you. But this guy...this miniatures guy...has gotten into my head. I have to figure him out. It's just something I have to do."

I tried to smile when I said, "I understand. You have to do what you have to do."

Gil sighed, and he looked up at me with desperate eyes. I knew if it was a different situation, a different setting and different people, I could just walk over to him and hug and say that he'd be okay, and if he wasn't, that would be okay, too, because we were going to get through this together.

Instead, he said, "I'm so grateful for you, Sara. Thank you for your patience."

And I walked out of his office, unsatisfied in the way things were heading.

The days kept rolling by and eventually we figured out who the Miniature Killer was. At least we thought we did. It seemed to pacify Grissom for the time being, although he did feel a little unsettled by the whole thing.

But even though it was seemingly solved, he still remained distant.

I was processing a car, something I always seemed to get picked to do for some reason, when Gil told me he was going on sabbatical.

I was spraying the car, a fugly 1985 station wagon used in a hit and run, for blood spatter when he came in the garage.

"Sara!" He shouted over the music I had playing on my ancient boom box.

I turned down the music, surprised to see him in the garage. He usually wasn't one to do dirty work.

"Sara, I have to tell you something."

"Okay, shoot." I thought it would be about the case, of course.

"I'm leaving. For a month. I'm going on sabbatical. I'm--I'm...I'm teaching a seminar. I just got the acceptance letter in the mail and I wanted you to be the first to know."

"Oh, yeah? And how is Ecklie going to feel about that?"

Grissom smirked.

"I'll handle him."

And then the uncomfortable silence.

"Well...I just wanted to let you know."

"Okay. Well...thanks."

"I guess I'll let you get back to that ugly car. Let me know if you find anything worth mentioning."

"I always do."

He backed away, looking at me wistfully.

I continued processing the car, wiping away the tears so they wouldn't contaminate the evidence.

A few nights later, we managed to finally get together. It was the first time in a month, and it would be the last time before he left.

"So, what made you decide to take this sabbatical?" I asked over a candelit dinner. We were at my house. I made my specialty veggie enchiladas, and he was very carefully picking them over.

He glanced at me and took a sip of red wine before he answered.

"I just need to think about things. I care...about you, and about the work, and the cases...but I just need some time to think. Please understand, Sara. That's all I want."

I made a decision to not press him on the issue. Maybe this is what we needed. Maybe he'd come back refreshed and ready to work on things. Then again, maybe he'd leave and start thinking about how good it was to be away. Maybe he'd meet some young college student and try to impress her with his thorough knowledge of the dung beetle.

He slept over that night, but we didn't make love. Things were not going well, and I was quite uneasy.

The day he left, I was in the locker room. Not for any other reason to just get away for a second, because I knew it would be the day he left me, maybe forever. And I was about to plain old-fashioned lose it.

He walked by the locker room. I saw him in the corner of my eye, but I didn't say anything. He saw me as he walked past, and he backed up and looked in at me.

"Hey," he said. "My cab's here." I had offered to take him to the airport, but he refused. He claimed he "didn't want to put me out." Out of all the things that led up to that moment, I figured that might have been the most insulting. We had been seeing each other for a year and he wouldn't let me take him to the airport? That definitely rubbed me the wrong way.

"So, you're going?" I asked. Part of me still couldn't believe he was just going to leave work, Vegas, me, to teach at a damn seminar.

"Yeah," he said, almost regretfully.

"I'll see you when you get back," I said. He nodded.

I turned away from him to put my jacket in a locker. It was really so he couldn't see the first tear, probably not the last, to come streaming out of my eye.

I saw him look out at the hallway, gauging to see if anyone was around. He looked uncomfortable. He looked like he was going to say something important.

"I'll miss you," he said, a pained look taking over his face.

I didn't say anything. Seeing he wasn't going to get a reaction, he looked at the floor, and then he walked out. I didn't see or hear from him for a whole month.


	6. Chapter 6

Well, that wasn't completely true. I did recieve a package from Grissom in the mail. I got all excited when I received it, not knowing what it could be. I'll admit, I was just a bit disappointed when it turned out to be a cocoon of some kind. I was even more disappointed when I looked through the box and there wasn't a note with it. It was frustrating to be in a relationship with someone who didn't know how to be in a relationship.

Instead of working fiendishly while Gil was gone, I tried to cut back a little. This guy Keppler was really starting to bug me and I just preferred not be around him if I didn't have to be. Besides, Catherine seemed to have her claws into him already, and I didn't want to get on her bad side. So I started hanging out at home a little more than usual. I started projects I had been neglecting for a while, like painting the walls and doing a little redecorating. I did yoga and cooked vegetarian meals for myself. I tried to relax, because if I didn't, thoughts of Gil Grissom would overtake me.

While having time for myself did seem to help me think more about what I needed to do for myself than for Gil, I still wondered why he wasn't contacting me. Was it my fault? Should I have been a little bit more understanding in the locker room the day he left? Had he met someone else? What the hell was going on?!

I missed him. I missed him a lot. And I found myself pondering my life before we got together. What did I do before I met him? What was life like before I knew he existed? It was such a long time ago, it hardly seemed to matter.

When I first met him. I was just a student. He came to San Francisco to do a lecture. At the time, I was a little on the fence about what direction I wanted to go in with my career. Did I want to join the police and get the satisfaction of getting the bad guy at the exact moment he did something wrong? Or did I want to be a CSI and use science, which I had always been fascinated with, to help solve cases? I decided for sure when I heard Gil Grissom speak for the first time. I heard from a couple of people he wasn't that exciting of a speaker, but they obviously couldn't appreciate someone with as much knowledge as he possessed. The entire lecture, I was completely fascinated by every word that came out of his mouth.

After one of his usual exciting lectures, I walked up to him and said, "Sara Sidle. I just wanted you to know that I am extremely fascinated by this subject matter.

He looked at me curiously while packing up his stuff.

"Well, thanks, but you might be the only one. I didn't see a lot of excited faces out there. But I did see you, and I thank you for at least pretending to be interested."

"Oh, I wasn't just pretending."

And that's how our relationship started. He was my mentor and started me on my path to being a CSI. His guidance was invaluable and I soon found myself climbing the ladder in San Francisco. We kept in touch pretty regularly, and it was then that I started my strange attraction to him. It could be argued that I saw him as a father figure, some of my feelings weren't exactly that of a family-like nature. And on his part...he always tried to keep it on a professional yet friendly basis, but from time to time I thought I could detect a hint of something more.

So when he called me to come out to Vegas to help with a certain sitcky situation involving Warrick, I was excited. I hadn't seen him in a few years and really, life in San Francisco was getting a little dull for me. When he asked me to come to Vegas, I asked him, "for how long?" He said, "For as long as it takes." I didn't know how long that would be, but it turned out to be...well, forever. And that was just fine with me.

I didn't know what to expect when I got there. I guess part of me hoped he wanted me to come for more than professional reasons. And again. from time to time I suspected there was something he wanted but was just not trying to do anything about it. So while I made myself at home in Vegas, worked hard to improve my already rocky relationship with my colleagues, tried to prove myself in a new town...I wanted something more.

I did prove myself. I worked hard to do it, too. And eventually I started getting a little antsy with Gil. Hank came along and even though I wasn't really looking for a boyfriend, I sort of threw myself into that relationship. And of course, it ended badly. I've always been a little...impulsive. So after Hank ended...I set my sights on Gil. And when the lab explosion happened, that was all I needed. I asked him to dinner. He said no. But I didn't really let myself think there were no chances left until he sat in an interrogation room and told a suspect and everyone else in the room that he...couldn't...do it.

So this relationship meant a little more to me than just a tumble in the hay with my boss. As the years went by, I started to see him as more of a...soul mate. Before I met him, I didn't think such a thing existed. I mean, come on, everyone has exactly one person that is right for them? But when it came to Gil Grissom, I couldn't help myself.


	7. Chapter 7

**I thought the scene in Law of Gravity where Grissom comes back and sees Sara is really kind of touching. I almost think they should have had that conversation somewhere a little more private, because to me it seemed a little too...intimate...to be in the hallway where everyone could hear them. It just seemed like Grissom was really, really happy to see her and she was completely intimidated. Anyway.**

The day Grissom came back, I had been at a landfill for many, many hours. I found it almost a relief to be digging through all that garbage, because at least the horrible, rotten, disgusting smell gave me something else to think about. He wasn't even supposed to be back that day. I didn't expect him until the day after. So when he called my name when I was walking through the hall, on the way to take a shower with many, many lemons, I was both ecstatic and horrified, not to mention caught completely off guard.

"Sara!" He almost shouted, coming out of nowhere to find me looking like a homeless person.

"Hey! You're back!" I said, my voice making all kinds of strange noises.

"Yeah.

"Uh, I've been out at a, um--" I stammered. "I've been at an, um--"

"A garbage dump?" He asked, looking at me sideways and grinning mischieviously.

"Yes. It's so obvious, isn't it?" I was walking backwards and he kept coming toward me. I really did not want him close and personal with these fumes that were emanating from every pore of my body.

I stopped running my mouth for a second and noticed he grew the beard back. I loved his beard but I still had random fantasies of just shaving the thing off.

"Nice, um--you look good."

He shrugged a little and said, "Did you put the cocoon in my office?"

"A cool, dry spot, it seemed like a good place for it."

"I think you'll be excited to see what happens when it blooms."

"Oh, no doubt," I said, looking at him curiously. This is what we talk about upon seeing each other again? Of course, it was a crowded hallway. Besides, he seemed really excited about the cocoon. It was kind of cute, actually. Endearing.

"Well, I'm gonna go clean up now."

"I'll see you later," he said.

"Yeah, you will," I said. I walked away feeling like the biggest loser in the world, but also...something else. Happiness, maybe. Happiness that he was back, and more than that, he seemed happy to see me. Sure, he also seemed completely oblivious to the fact we hadn't talked in a month, but I knew I'd see him later.

I took my shower, poured the lemons in my hair, tried to get the stink off me. As the hot water poured down on my weary body, I wondered what would happen with us. God, it was good to see him back at the office. To see him in the hall, talking about cocoons just like he would do, I couldn't help but be excited to see him later.

After my shower, I dried my hair, put a little make-up on and re-entered the world. Nicky saw me in the hall and said, "Hey, Sara! Wait up!"

I waited for him to catch up. "What's up?"

"I just wanted to warn you that Grissom's back, but you've already cleaned up after the landfill, so I guess it's okay now," he said, grinning.

"And what, exactly, is that supposed to mean?"

He shrugged and said, "You know, I didn't want you to be surprised when you saw him or anything."

I squinted at him, not sure what the hell he was talking about but pretty sure he knew something was going on.

"Nick--"

"Anyway, I just wanted to give you a head's up on Keppler." He talked to me about what was going on and I tried to concentrate, really I did, but out of the corner of my eye I saw Grissom in his office, looking at his giant stack of mail.

While Nick and I were talking, Catherine walked by and said to me, "Sara, we have to go to Suzy Gibbons' apartment. Keppler's involved in something...I don't know what's going on. I'm worried. Let's go, okay?" I nodded and quickly followed her.

Catherine filled me in while we drove to the apartment. She seemed really disappointed and sad that Keppler was turning out to be a suspect in the investigation. I bit my lip and let her talk about it. I didn't tell her I didn't trust the guy the second I found him in Grissom's office, looking at all his stuff like Gil was a serial murder or something. It took all I had not to tell him, "Get the hell out of here!"

We went through Suzy's stuff and soon enough we found ourselves back at the lab. I found a moment to sneak into Grissom's office while Catherine was looking at some DNA.

When I tiptoed in, he was on the phone. As soon as he got off the phone and started to tell me something, the phone rang again. He looked at me apologetically while I sat down and waited.

Finally, he got off the phone and gave me a mournful look.

"Man, this Keppler guy's bad. I leave for a month and we leave this guy in charge? We're going to have to treat him like a suspect, at least in this case. Sara, I'm sorry, but...I've gotta go find out what's happening here. Catherine just left to follow another lead, and I have to meet her out there. You know...you know I want nothing more than to see you tonight. God, I missed you so much, you don't even know."

I smiled warmly, disappointed but understanding.

"I know. Go. I'll be waiting for you when you're done."

He got up and retrieved his jacket. He shrugged it on and then ushered me into the corner of his office where he gave me a long, deep kiss.

"There's more where that came from." He gave me a lingering look and all but ran out of the office.


	8. Chapter 8

**So I admit, this chapter is pure fluff. But we all like some fluff every now and then, right?**

**There will be more to come!**

"So Catherine was really about to lose it when they were taking Keppler's gurney to the ambulance," Grissom said. "I had to turn her away from looking at him so she wouldn't completely lose it. I walked her away from the ambulance, across the parking lot and got my car to pick her up. It was really hard for her, and I'm not exactly sure why. She's seen death before. She's even lost an ex-husband before. Why did this guy get to her so much?"

He shrugged, and turned his attention to me. It was a few hours after Keppler had been shot, and he was telling me the dirty details about what happened. I figured he'd be too wiped out to want to see me later, but he called me and asked if he could come over. I told him of course he could, and hurriedly got ready for his arrival, making sure the landfill stink was nothing but a bad memory.

When he knocked on my door, I ran to the door and let him in. I wanted to completely smother him in hugs and kisses and whatever else, but I also wanted him to take the lead here. I was still just a little hurt he hadn't tried to contact me while he was gone and I didn't want to seem overanxious. There's always the truth that I could have called or emailed him, but before he left he seemed so distant that I thought doing that would just bother him, and I didn't have a single urge to do that.

We talked about the case for a bit while I made us some dinner. For him, I made a super meaty cheeseburger and tried not to think about all that had happened to various animals for that cheeseburger to be where it is today. For me, I made a sandwich and some soup. That was all I was hungry for, anyway.

When we were done eating, we sat on my little sofa, pondering what we should watch. I reached for the remote on the coffee table when Grissom grabbed my hand.

"Let's not watch anything right now. I have something to say, obviously, so just listen for a minute, okay?"

I nodded, anxious to hear what he was going to say.

"Sara, I'm sorry I didn't contact you while I was gone. I picked up that phone so many times, but I had no idea what I was going to say. I even tried to write you a letter and I got so far as to address the envelope to put it in, but I...I didn't. There's just so many things I want to tell you and I knew a phone call would never convey those feelings over the phone."

He paused and took a sip of water.

"I know our parting was awkward, and that hadn't been my intention. But I know I took this sabbatical rather hastily and you were a little hurt by that. But while I was gone, I really took some time to ponder all these emotions that were going on in my head. This is all very new for me, Sara. I haven't had a girlfriend in a long time. I haven't had...feelings for someone in a long time."

"What about...Lady Heather?" I asked, somewhat joking and somewhat not.

He chuckled.

"She intrigued me, I'll admit that. I will also admit that we were intimate once or twice. But with her, it was about control. We were interested in the way each other's minds worked but there weren't any real emotions behind that. It was more like we were studying each other. With you...it's not about lust or attraction or control or anything else that a relationship can be about. I can't explain to you why it's taken me so long to finally let you into my life the way I've wanted you to be in it since the very first time I met you, but maybe it's because these feelings I have for you are the most powerful feelings I've ever felt. I mean, I like my life. I love solving the case, getting it right, using the bugs and the science and the sheer brainpower of the whole team. I don't even mind the politics of the job, either. I'm addicted to the rush, I will admit that to you right now. And I guess I just always felt that letting you in would make things change. But this last year, with us being so close...I don't ever want to lose that. It took me being away from you for so long to figure out I don't want to be without you. I discovered there's more to live than solving the case, and that's invaluable to me. I guess what I'm trying to say is...I'm sorry I didn't figure it out sooner. I've been really dumb and stubborn about it, I know. But I'm finally--"

I kissed him. I couldn't let him keep rambling on and on about it before tasting his sweet lips. God, how long I waited for him to say those words to me.

We broke from the kiss when neither of us were capable of breathing.

"In conclusion," he said, grinning, "it's you, Sara. It's always been you."

He kissed me again before he said, "I love you. I mean, duh. But I figured you should hear it from my lips. I love you."

"I love you, too," I said, kissing him back.

I don't think I have to tell you that watching a movie became our last priority that night.


	9. Chapter 9

**This chapter's a little different as it's Sara's perspective at first and then Grissom's, just 'cause I wanted to get him talking to Brass from his perspective. So, rock on with that. Grissom's conversation with Brass takes place after Sara leaves Gil's office when he so cruelly rejects her in the episode Play With Fire at the end of the third season. So, rock on then.**

A few weeks later, I was processing a scene with Catherine. We were at the house of one Paula Gardner, a high school teacher that was shot at close range in the head. It looked the house had been robbed, too. It was not pretty. There was blood everywhere, the house was a complete mess, and we knew we were in for a long night.

"So, what are you thinking?" Catherine asked as I was taking a picture of a broken lamp that had blood all over it.

"Well, she was shot at close range, which, as you know, suggests that the killer knew her personally and had some kind of personal grudge. But the house was robbed, too, which someone who was close to her probably wouldn't do. I'm thinking the robbery was an afterthought, or a cover-up. Maybe even a whole separate crime altogether."

Catherine nodded and took more pictures. We worked in silence for another few minutes when she said, "So, Sara, how's life?"

I looked at her to see if she was serious. She was grinning ever so slightly, but she still looked completely serious.

"Um, it's fine, Catherine. How's yours?"

"Oh, you know, the usual - work all the time, my daughter's this close to quitting school and becoming a stripper, my love life is a disaster. By the way, how's your love life? Anybody new? You've been smiling a lot lately, Sara."

Oh, boy, here it comes. Of course she knows, she's Catherine. She knows everything.

"Catherine, I--"

"It's funny, Sara, 'cause the other day when I was following you and Grissom to a crime scene, when we were stopped at a red light...there might have been a car in between us, but I still could have sworn that I saw him kiss you."

"Catherine, seriously--"

"He must have been getting something off your lip, right? A crumb or something?"

"Well, I mean--"

She grabbed my hand, pulling me towards her. We were not a touchy-feely group here (well, of course, with the exception of Grissom and I) and she stunned me a bit. Still, I stopped taking pictures, set my camera down and faced her like a man.

"Sara, we all know. I don't know how long the others have known, but I've known for a while. The looks you guys give each other, it kills me! You're like 2 little puppy dogs. I think it's cute."

"Well, you know," I stammered. I didn't know what else to say, exactly.

"Look, the two of you have always been so completely overworked and overstressed, and if this makes you happy, which it seems to be doing, all of us are behind you. You know that none of us are going to call you on it. But seriously, Sara, you guys have to either be more careful or figure something else out. This could get bad."

Before I had a chance to ask her how bad, exactly, it could get, the victim's husband came storming into our crime scene and we had to subdue him. For now, our conversation was forgotten.

Later, Grissom and I were sharing a dinner at a diner we liked to go to. It was a little outside of Vegas and we knew the odds were nobody would spot us there. I told him about what Catherine said and he listened intently.

"I wasn't going to tell you, but I had a similar conversation with Warrick a couple of days ago. We were in the lab, working on that Paul Grasswood case, you know, the mobster who was found in Lake Mead? Anyway, out of nowhere, Warrick says, "So, how are things with Sara?" Like we were best friends and knew each other's life histories. Of course I gave him a Look, but he just kept on grinning. He said he's known for a long time, and even before that, he was pretty sure it would happen eventually. He and Nick actually had a pool going, can you believe that?"

We shared a laugh, but we both had the same things on our minds.

"What can happen here, actually? I know we both have thought of the consequences, but do you know what they actually are?"

He shook his head.

"I have a pretty good idea. The "consequences," as you say, were a big part of what kept me from pursuing you for so long. A couple of years ago, I even talked to Brass about it."

He told me about his meeting with Brass, and I listened intently, worry welling up in my heart.

OOOOOOO

I needed to talk to Brass. Boy, did I need to talk to him. I managed to put off talking to him for a while now, but since the lab explosion and Sara kind of getting nutty on me, I needed to talk to him right away.

When Sara walked out of the office after I told her I didn't want to have dinner with her, I followed her out, turning off the light. But instead of going home, I went to Brass' office. I knew he'd still be there, and he was, of course.

"Jim? Do you have a minute?"

Jim looked up from his paperwork and said, "Sure, Gil, come on in. Rough day, huh?"

I let out a little chuckle. "Just another day at the office."

We chatted for a few minutes about what was going on with the lab. After a while, Brass found himself on the very subject I came to see him about.

"So what happened with Sara, Gil? Seriously, the girl could have been killed when she went in there before we cleared the scene."

"I know. I think the fire really shook her up. But, Brass, I wanted to ask you..."

He looked at me funny.

"What is it?"

"Jim, this is between you and me, right? Two old friends just bullshitting about our day?"

"Of course, Gil, like always."

"I have a pretty good idea, but I need you to tell me. What would happen if I initiated a relationship with one of my...employees? What kind of trouble could we possibly get into here?"

Brass chuckled. "I'm going to need a drink later, aren't I?"

"No, no, nothing has happened yet. But...let's just say I'm curious."

"Gil, come on. Of course it's Sara. You wouldn't be asking me if it was about Catherine, you guys are seasoned professionals and could figure it out on your own. And, well, I've seen the looks you give each other. It's a little pathetic, really."

"Jim-"

"Okay, okay, listen. First of all, it's not allowed, we all know that. It's just a rule, not even an unwritten one. Supervisors cannot get involved with those under them. It's a huge violation, a conflict of interest."

"What if she or I moved to days?"

"Well, that's better, but if it builds up enough, if the right people find out about it, there could be major problems. The media will find out. The victim's families whose cases are unsolved, they may be so desperate to see their case go to trial again, they might just grasp this straw just to get another chance. The guys we sent to jail will use your "romance" as an excuse to get their case overturned...it's totally ridiculous, I know, but...that's what can happen."

"So, the only options are..."

"I can only see 2 options here, to tell you the truth. One is don't let it happen, ever. It's not fair, I know. But I also know you, Gil. You can put those feelings behind for the sake of the job. I'm not suggesting that, but the other option is to just quit. Quit, write a book, teach a class. Then pursue her."

I was quiet for a moment, going over these two completely non-ideal situations.

"There's always the chance that it won't happen that way, Gil, "Jim said, seeing the expression on my face. "Maybe she can transfer to days, you guys can start something, keep it quiet, do what you have to do. But as far as I can see, it can never really be a public affair. This is Vegas, Gil. People pay attention in Vegas. And it's not true - what happens here, happens everywhere."

So, that was that. And now, nearly 4 years later, I find myself talking to Brass again. This time, it's over dinner at the same diner Sara and I frequent.

I figured I'd talk to him again, at least give him a head's up as to what was going on so he'd be prepared when the shit hit the fan.

"Jim, I have to tell you something," I said, after the waitress delivered my salad and his double cheeseburger.

"Before you do, a salad? What's going on, Gil, you trying to for a modeling career or something?"

"I'm trying something new. I thought I might try giving up meat for a while, see how that works out for me."

"Come on, giving up meat at your age? Why did you--" And he stopped. And he put his burger down and looked me square in the eye.

"Are you trying to tell me what I think you're trying to tell me?"

"Yes. It's happening. It's been happening for a while now. And I'm not sure what to do next."

He laughed uproariously for a solid minute and a half. I kind of wanted to punch him in the face.

"That's not like you, Gil. I seem to remember a certain conversation in my office a few years ago."

"I know. I...couldn't help it."

He chuckled.

"Well, good for you. You seem happy."

"I am, actually. Very."

"Good, good. Well, I don't know what to tell you. If it helps, I think Ecklie already knows but he's turning his back on it. I think your next step might be talking to the sheriff. Or, you know, getting out of dodge."

When I was quiet, he again put down his burger and looked me squarely in the eye.

"You've already thought about that."

"I have. I haven't talked to Sara about it, but I'm thinking about moving to San Francisco. Or...Hawaii. Or maybe even Australia. I'll have to see where she wants to go. But it's probably going to happen."

"Wow. Just...wow."

"What can I say, Jim? I fell in love. I avoided it for 50 years and now, here I am. I figure I retire early, make up for all those years I spent doing nothing but working."

"Have you told her this yet?"

I shook my head. I hadn't, and I was not expecting Sara to take it well.

"Well, good luck, old friend. I hope it works out."

"Yeah, me too." It had to, or I was in a lot of trouble.

**This isn't the end! At least one more chapter is in the making. Thanks for all the reviews, I really appreciate it. I admit I wrote the last couple of chapters in a rush and I'm not so happy about them. My next attempt at fanfic will be better, I promise!**


	10. Chapter 10

**This part is still from Grissom's perspective. I mean, why not?**

When we were in bed later that evening, I told Sara about what Brass said. I didn't quite tell her about my plans yet.

"Okay, don't be mad, but I kinda talked to Ecklie about it," she said, trying to gauge my reaction.

Conrad Ecklie? How could she talk to him about..about...us?!

"Please tell me you're telling me a funny joke right now."

She sighed. "No, I'm not. I know you talked to Brass, but he's your friend. Ecklie, well, isn't. And I know he already knows about us. He's not blind, Gris, none of them are. I know we've been worried about the consequences for a long time now, but guess what? Everyone knows. And nothing has happened. But Ecklie did agree that we can't really go on like this forever. If we were to, um, get married--" this she said in a rush, probably thinking that most men never wanted to hear those words pass through a girl's mouth unless they were already engaged. She didn't know that lately, it had been all I could think about.

"Yes?" I prompted her when she got derailed in her own thought process.

"If we were to do that, then, well, there'd be problems. But I was thinking, and hear me out--"

"Sara, I think we should move to Australia."

She looked at me, a very strange and different look permeating on her face. Usually I can read her, feel what kind of emotion she's having at the moment, but at that moment I was coming up blank.

"Um, what?" She asked incredulously.

"I've been thinking about it and I think we should go somewhere where nobody knows us. Neither of us have family here, and who needs this pressure of deciding whether or not to get married or not based on what the public will think!"

I continued muttering about public perception and Conrad Ecklie and whatever else I could think of while Sara stared at me, looking afraid to interrupt my incoherent ramblings. I knew I was confusing her, but I was more confused than anyone. And the more I rambled, the more I also thought, hey, I'm not like this. I am a rational man. Where is this coming from? And then I thought...it's love that's doing this to me. I somehow avoided doing it for most of my life and then when it happens, I can't get my act together.

When she had enough of my ramblings, Sara took my face in her hands and said, "Gil Grissom, please shut up."

I stopped my ranting long enough to let her talk.

"It's cute that you think we have to turn everything completely upside down in order to be together, but Ecklie had a different thought, and I was wondering why you didn't think of it before you thought about going to Antarctica or something. I know this isn't what you had in mind, but you can retire. I can continue as a CSI, carrying your torch, so to speak. It won't be that bad. You can write a book. You can do lectures all across the country and I can use my buckets of vacation time to go with you when I can. You have done more than your share for CSIs in Vegas and around the country, and I don't think anyone would blame you if you retire now. I mean, we can still go to the body farm and everything. It'll be fun. We'll start a maggot colony."

I remembered when retiring used to scare the hell out of me. I'd think about going to another country, relaxing, getting away from all the pressures of Vegas. Getting away from the brutality of the human species. Finally letting myself get away from daily doses of murder and rape and all the horrible things people do to each other. But before when I thought about it, I would panic. Not going into the lab every day, not being a mentor to my CSIs, not solving a crime and putting someone away where they belong...what would my life be without it? Before I would picture an empty existence. But now? I pictured Sara Sidle. As much Sara Sidle as I could handle. And that thought made me exhaustively happy.

"Why does that thought not totally scare the living hell out of me?" I asked her, kissing her forehead.

"Because you're changing. We both are. We're finally allowing ourselves to believe there's something else out there in the world other than crime solving and dead bodies. It's a good thing."

"Well, I'll...I'll tell Ecklie tomorrow. I'll retire at the end of the year. After that, we can get married. That is, if you'll have me."

She smiled grandly. "Of course I will. I can't wait until you make an honest woman out of me."

She gave me a long, passionate kiss and eventually I turned off the light, ready to go to sleep. But I couldn't help but feel eternally grateful to the woman who lay in bed beside me. She had been patient for a long time, and when I finally woke up and realized that I needed her, she accepted me willingly. My life before her was fine, and I didn't mind it. But my life after her was more than fine. She woke me up to the beauties of the world. She showed me there's more to life than what appears on the surface.

Sara Sidle fascinated me. She had overcome her beyond horrible and gruesome childhood, and now took on the world of crime with equal resolve. She had thrown herself into our relationship, not knowing if I was going to be there for her like she apparently always imagined I'd be. She offered me a chance for a new life, and now I wanted to return the favor. I wanted to be everything she thought I was, and I was going to spend the rest of my life trying to figure out how.

**And...that's that, for now. If the spirit moves me there may be more. Thanks for all the reviews, I appreciate it!**


End file.
